Big Titties, Beware!!!!

Over the last month and a half, Hubby and I have had been busy traveling and doing lots of really cool things, which is GREAT, but there has been one rather not-awesome result of all of this fun:  I put on a couple of pounds.   I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a bit vain and a little extra padding definitely gets me down.   Now, the party is over and my ass needs to get back into it's original position, so back to the gym and diet it is.
     Beginning yesterday, I've committed to doing the 30-day Summer Shape-up Challenge.  Basically, I'm just going to be doing something, anything, to make me sweat every day for 30 consecutive days.

I mention this only to give you fair warning about future complaints about various things/humans/habits that make me crazy while I'm trying to work on my fitness (fuckyouverymuch, Fergie).

Today's bitchfest is brought to you by the ladies with monster titties who do not wear supportive bras, especially while at the gym.

     To my fellow generously jugged friends out there, I understand how uncomfortable exercising can be while carrying giant cans.  Finding a good bra can be a challenge, but you must not give up the hunt!  It makes me cringe when I see a broad jogging, jumping rope or even sprinting on the bike with her funbags not properly bound.   It freaks me out the way I'd imagine it makes dudes uncomfortable to see another dude get nailed in the nutsack.
     Gentlemen, do not argue with me.  I know you LOVE seeing boobs bounce.  I agree, it's crazy hot, but I promise, this is for your own good.  Boobs can only slam down so many times before tissue is damaged and those mams head south real quick.  There is no coming back from this kind of abuse and they're just going to get shit-baggier every day.  I don't know about you, but shit-bag tits are not my favorite tits.

I'm sure there are many companies that make great sports bras out there, but I stand by the Ta-Ta Tamer by Lululemon.   They are available up to size 38E, don't cost a fortune, and will help keep your tasty jugs right where they belong.  No more running in those adorable stretchy things for $14 at Target, okay?

MOTHERfucker (what grinds my gears)

 If I may, I would like to take a moment and vent about something that makes me insane with rage.
Now that hubby and I have been married for a while and I'm getting...older...I'm finding that people often make conversation by asking if we have kids.  No problem.  This is not my issue.  My issue is when people ask if we want kids or  when we're having kids.
umm...

This bothers me for the following reasons:
1.  This is a REALLY personal question.  If we are close enough for you to get away with asking me this question, then you already know the answer.
2.  What if I really want kids and my husband doesn't and it and it's a major source of tension?  What if one of us has fertility issues and I cry myself to sleep over it every night?  What if I just had a miscarriage?

     I'd now like to take this a step further.   Nothing makes me more furious than when I finally do tell somebody that I'm not interested in having babies and they do everything they can to convince me that I'm making a big mistake.  Babies were the best thing to happen to them!  Babies are the greatest!  Once I have my own, I'll feel differently about them!   Truth be told, I am envious of people that want or have babies and are happy with kids.  I want to want babies, but I just don't.
     I do not want babies.  I don't like babies.  I don't like kids.  When I was 4, my mother got pregnant with my little sister.  She tried to warm me up to the idea of having a baby in the house my pointing out a baby in the supermarket, saying "Katie, look at that cute little baby in it's stroller".  My response?  "I hate that baby.  That baby is ugly."   My feelings haven't really changed.
     Now knowing all of this about me, stranger I'm talking to at a party, do you really want to try and convince me that babies are NOT gross and that I should have one?   Do you think that it's a good idea to have a kid and hopefully learn to love it?  I kinda feel like that's maybe not the best idea.

there is no Dana, only Zool

I'm sick.  Not exactly deathbed sick, but I feel like what I imagine the inside of a slaughterhouse smells like, if that makes any sense.  My throat hurts and I'm all kinds of uncomfortable.  Hubby's at work.  There's no food in the house that I want.  I'm tired but I can't sleep.  
So what's a girl to do?  Watch Ghostbusters, obviously.  I don't know what it is about this movie, but it makes me feel at least 12% less shitty whenever I watch it.

 Here's a few fun facts:

1.  I met Dan Aykroyd in an elevator at the House of Blues at a GWAR show.  He turned and introduced himself to hubby and me, asked if we were here to see the band and wished us a fun time.  How cute is that?  I was perfectly happy pretending that I didn't realize that I was one of 3 people in the elevator with a FUCKING GHOSTBUSTER (don't even say Blues Brother to me, shit's not even ballpark to Ghostbusters.  Shit ain't even the same game.) but he was just that much of a pro.  Love him.

2.  I used to know this guy and he always vowed that if he ever did porn, his name would be Rex Moreanus after the great Rick Moranis (Louis Tully, the accountant neighbor to the very beautiful Dana Barrett).  Besides Kraven Moorehead and Buster Good, that's got to be the best porn name I can think of, even though he never ended up "performing" (at least that I know of).

Ladies, we need to have a talk

The talk that we need to have is about your fingernails and toenails.
Look, I'm not being picky here.  Not at all.  Is the square pink-and-white 90's stripper acrylic nails your thing?  Awesome!  Is nail art your thing?  Sweet!  Do you prefer to have short dark nails that I personally love?  Fantastic!  I also love short clean nails with no polish at all.

The issue that I'd like to discuss with you is chipped nail polish.

Your nails say a lot about you.  When your polish is chipped or you're missing an acrylic nail or two and tried to cover it with a shitty Hello Kitty Band-aid, it says that you do not care about yourself.  When I see this on a lady, it makes me think a few things:

1.  Your house is probably really dirty.

2.  Your car has fast food bags all over it's interior.

3.  It makes me look at your teeth to see if you have meth mouth.

MOST IMPORTANTLY:

4.  Your vagina most likely smells like hot garbage.

Who wants to look like they have smelly bits?

I know that chips happen.  You have 12 hours to remedy the situation. Either carry the color of polish that you're currently wearing in your makeup bag for 911 touch-ups OR don't wear nail polish.   THE END.