Sunday, April 29, 2012

Well, pin a rose on your nose

 
  Like most people my age, I grew up watching Full House.  Every Friday night, I would make sure I was sitting in front of the tv with a bowl of spumoni to watch that week's new episode on TGIF.  The Tanner family was my other family.  I can tell you the storyline of each episode within the first 20 seconds of the show.  "Tea for two, two for tea", "There's a car in the kitchen!", "If every word I said made you laugh, I'd talk forever".  You get the picture.

    Some time ago, maybe about 6(?) years, I was watching "The Aristocrats" at a friend's house.  For those not familiar with this...work...it's basically a dvd of different comedians doing their own version of the "world's longest dirty joke" and the whole thing is these people trying to out-filth each other.  This dvd was my introduction to Bob Saget, a person outside of my tv dad Danny Tanner.  I was now to know a filthy dirty completely shockingly depraved Bob.   Well, that night I went home and dreamed one of the most vivid and totally wonderful sexytime dreams ever, starring (you guessed it) Bob Saget.   After waking from this dream, I knew what I had to do next:  find and eff Bob Saget.  Over the next few years I did a bit of research and found out a few places he hangs out at and even called into a local radio show to try and talk to him, which is ridiculous because what would I have said?  "Uh, hi, umm...Bob, I had a dirty dream about you, can we, like, get together sometime?".  Of course not.
     Well, anyhow, time passed and I never found him.   Fast forward a few years, I stop my hunt for Bob, meet a nice boy, tie the knot and here we are.  Well, a little over a month ago I heard a commercial on the radio station that my hubby works at advertising a one-night-only comedy extravaganza and one of the performers on the lineup is none other than ::drumroll please:: Mr Bob Saget.   Holy guacomole, this is my chance.  I called hubby and told him that I would not be missing this opportunity to get close to my "other man".
     The night of the show had come and I was ready.  I got dressed in my new one sleeved jumpsuit and fastened on the Bob Saget button that a friend sent me and I was ready for action.   Thanks to Hubby having a job at the station that put on the event, we got all access backstage fanciness.  We made our way back towards the production room where the station employees kind of hang out and in the hallway, maybe 5 feet from our destination was my man, Mr Bob Saget.   He was chatting with another couple that he appeared to know.  I HATE to be "that guy".   Again, thanks to Hubby's cool job I've been able to meet some really cool people, many of which have been a REALLY big deal for me and I never want to take a picture or do the whole "I'm a really big fan" thing.  It's just not what I like to do, but this time all bets were off.  I was going to lurk and lurk until Mr. Saget's conversation was finished with this couple and it was my turn.

     As we lingered off to the side, low and behold, Jesse Katsopolis, lead singer of Jesse and the Rippers, Mr. John Stamos was standing right next to us.   Be still my heart, he is just beautiful.  He initiated small talk, we chatted for a couple of minutes about how much he hates that he's now become completely dependant on eyeglasses to see anything and he told me that I look like a "younger, hotter Gina Gershon" (omg!!!!!   omg!!!!).  We wrapped things up as I noticed that Bob was saying his goodbyes to the couple...he was mine.  Hubby rushed over to him, sounding almost panicked as he  shouted "BOB!!!!!   Can you please take a picture with my wife?!?!?!".  He obliged and I pointed out that I was wearing his face on my jumpsuit and to please enjoy how genius that is.  As he was getting ready to take the picture, Hubby super awkwardly said "Bob, get close to her.  She LOVES you.  There are only two men on earth I'd let touch my wife and you're one of them."   I was horrified.  Mr. Saget kind of laughed it off and I apologized for the extreme awkwardness and we went our separate ways.

     It wasn't exactly the moment I'd been dreaming of for the last 6-ish years, but it was still pretty goddamn wonderful.   Last night, I added to my Full House collection.
   
I'd been hearing tales of legendary theme parties that these two friends throw semi-often.  Well, last night was Dave's birthday and in honor of his special day, the two dudes threw a super fun goth themed party.  It was required that everybody come in costume as they apparently get pretty serious about it which I LOVE.  The night was in full swing, everybody was in goth makeup  and wearing what was pretty much my uniform for a good 8 years of my growing up. The only thing that could have made this party any more fantabulous would, of course, be a Full House cast member showing up.  Well lucky for me, that is EXACTLY what happened!!!!  Miss Jodie Sweetin, Stephanie Judith Tanner, owner of Mr. Bear, poster child for Oat Boats cereal, was sitting next to me on the sofa.   Our butts were touching.   I didn't say anything, rather she pointed out that we were wearing the exact same knee high socks.   Oh my god, we're practically sisters.   I'm in.

 I didn't have the nerve to ask for a picture with her, partly because she was just enjoying herself at a house party and partly because I didn't want her to say no due to her being a tabloid target for a while after her somewhat highly publicized meth addiction.
     Knowing of my borderline obsession with Full House and seeing the look in my eye, my friend asked the birthday boy if he could do me a solid and work out a not-super obvious way to get Jodie and me in a photo together.   God love him, Dave worked it out.  He grabbed her, pulled her onto his lap and said "Come on!  We're taking goth pictures.  You have to look all angry and sad!" Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Dave the birthday boy, Miss Jodie Sweetin and myself in full goth regalia.


  


Friday, April 27, 2012

Why broccoli can eat a bag of dicks.


I'm the first to admit that I'm a bit neurotic when it comes to my health, safety and general well being.   I am a strict vegetarian, mostly vegan except for special occasions, exercise 4-5x a week, I hate going out on holidays because I'm positive I'll be killed by a drunk driver and I don't use the ketchup on the table at restaurants.  I also only buy organic fruits and vegetables.   This is where my story begins.

     My husband and I were fortunate to be able to go to Coachella for both weekends this year, but that meant hotel food, drinking and almost no fresh produce which kind of makes me insane.  The Wednesday after our desert extravaganza, I was more than happy to get up very early before work and do a huge grocery run at Whole Foods.   After my 9 hour shift was over, I was starved and rushed home to start dinner.   First step was to clean all of the vegetables and the process goes a little something like this:  fill large mixing bowl with water and Veggie Wash, soak/swish item(s) in solution, rinse thoroughly, pat dry.
    Remember:  I was the hungriest girl ever at this point.  I grabbed my 2 stalks of broccoli that were rubber banded together, cleaned them, immediately chopped and practically inhaled one of the entire stalks.  I moved on to the second stalk, this time moving much more slowly and paying closer attention.  As I began cutting, I noticed what looked like grayish dirt oh the underside of the head (you'll have to excuse my lack of knowledge of exact broccoli anatomy terminology).  I looked closer and my stomach began to turn as I saw that the grayish colored dirt was not dirt at all.   It was maybe 5 trillion teeny tiny gray bugs.  I had just eaten what could possibly have been thousands of bugs.
     I know what you're thinking:  People have been eating bugs for hundreds, if not thousands of years.  FUCK YOU.  I don't eat bugs.  I don't eat cows, chickens, pigs, fish or snails and I sure as hell don't eat bugs.  I have never consensually eaten a bug and I never will.
     Now that you're aware of my neurotic tendencies, you'll understand my next move.  In a full on panic,   I ran to the phone and called poison control.  This is it.  This is the end.  Lights out.  Death by broccoli. The operator assured me that I was in no real danger and that my only worry is food poisoning.  ONLY food poisoning?!  Well if my only worry is sleeping on the bathroom floor in between bouts of bile rocketing out of my nostrils and burning my sinuses, then I'm in walking on sunshine!  Instead of actually dying, I get to lay in the fetal position on our beautiful tile wishing I was dead.
     I then turned to my best friend Google and asked about organic broccoli bugs.   Low and behold,  there were countless pages about these bugs and how almost all organically grown broccoli has them.  Apparently, Veggie Wash does nothing to get rid of them, you have to soak your broccoli in a salt water or a vinegar/water solution to get rid of them.  Has this been common knowledge to everyone but me?  Know what?  Fuck you, Whole Foods.  You maybe couldn't put up a sign saying "Beware of evil broccoli bugs.  Soak your shit in salt water"????  
    Lesson learned:  If I ever eat broccoli again (which I'm pretty sure I will not), it will not be organic.  Bring on the chemical pesticides, bitch.

The End.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Well, I guess I'm a blogger now.

Welcome to the nonsense that is my everyday!
Today while driving home from work through Hollywood on Fairfax, I noticed a young guy walking on the sidewalk along the busy street.  He was average looking, maybe 23 years old, wearing a backpack and had headphones covering his ears.  As I was about to pass him, he paused,and leaned into a tall bush full of flowers.  He gently touched one of the blooms, smelled it and continued along his journey.  I'm not sure why I keep thinking about this, but I just found it to be so sweet.  He did something that I so often forget to do...

Unrelated:  I will never eat organic broccoli again as long as I live.  Ever.  Never Ever.  Never.